Whether or not you’re doing a traditional trick or treat this year, you’re likely still stocking up on candy. But it’s not just the kids who are making judgments about what candy you’re buying.
Your cashiers get to have all the fun of mentally appraising each candy selection — and awarding it with a wickedly witty snap judgment.
In celebration of Halloween, here are five things that you might be forgiven for thinking, as your inner monologue goes into overdrive from handling bag after bag of cheap bubble gum, bootleg gummy bears, and stale candy corn.
1. “Wonder how much of this candy those neighborhood kids will actually see?”
This is a forgivable thought, often inspired by the fact that the package has been ripped into before it hits your conveyor belt. If a handful of chocolate bars is already missing from its bag pre-checkout, it’s conceivable that their primary destination isn’t going to be someone’s trick-or-treat bag.
Neighborhood hand-outs? Nope. This candy is dessert. And let’s face it, Halloween provides a guilt-free excuse for unashamedly buying a cartful of your favorite candy, even if you don’t intend to hand it out to trick or treaters.
2. "What a cheapskate!"
Be honest, isn’t this what you think when you see a shopping cart filled with packs of old, dried-up leathery raisins or rock-hard orange circus peanuts that taste like sawdust?
In a zombie apocalypse, there’s probably a special landfill reserved for that dreadful, inedible Halloween candy that’s sold at bargain bin prices. If you’re saddled with checking out bag after bag of cheap black licorice, it’s hard not to think the worst.
3. “What a cool neighbor!”
This is the supreme accolade, meant for the person whose cart hits the Halloween jackpot, both in quantity and quality. After hours of checking out bags of phony chocolate (the kind that pops up again, melted and repackaged, at Valentine’s Day and Easter), it’s an uplifting, heartwarming experience to see a cart filled with decent-sized name brand chocolate bars (bonus points for full-size bars), or the good brand of tangy fruit chews that everybody loves.
When you think that your stomach can’t stand the sight of another pack of violently-colored wax “cola” bottles, it’s a joy to the senses to finally see something that you’d actually enjoy eating yourself.
4. “You’re pretty stingy!”
No, this isn’t the same thing as #2. When it comes to Halloween, “cheapskate” and “stingy” mean two different things. Cheapskate means that you buy cheap candy. Stingy means that you dole it out one piece at a time. Notable characters in this category are the folks who give out one sad, petrified butterscotch drop per kid.
If you see a cart filled with cellophane-wrapped hard candy or dollhouse-sized mini packs that contain four tiny jelly bean pebbles, you might be forgiven for wondering if the buyer is stingy enough to adhere to the “one-per-person” treat rule.
5. "What a jerk!"
This judgment is reserved for the worst of the worst — the person whose Halloween cart consists of cheap plastic toothbrushes, mini rice cakes, or walnuts in the shell. This is someone who is obviously trying to make trick-or-treating into a “learning opportunity” for kids, with a mission statement in every handout. These treat givers — if you can call them that — still deserve your best customer service smile.
Holiday joy, year-round
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